Occasionally, the curious sort will inquire as to how one goes about "doing" the Toronto International Film Festival. I go through the long explanation of how it works, and then they look at me with eyes that say, "Oh, wow, you are demented. You actually buy tickets, and you don't even know what movies you're going to see?" Yeah, well, I am demented, but that's not the reason.

Anyway, for all those who would like to know how the Toronto International Film Festival works, but don't have a clue where to begin, here's my 101:

TIFF requires commitment, and a little faith. It begins each year the first Thursday after Memorial Day and runs 10 days, ending on Saturday night. However, if you're serious about going, you need to start planning well before then. Here's my XX-step process to attending the festival.

Step 1 - Love to sit around all day watching movies, with occasional breaks for meals, stretching and a little fresh air.

Step 2 - Find a place to sleep at night. I prefer a bed, as the nights start getting chilly that time of year. More specifically, I tend to stay at B&B's. The accommodations are usually as nice, or at least more interesting than your typical hotel. And, you can't beat the advice of a local for dinner reservations. I've always stayed in B&B's in Toronto, so I admittedly don't know much about the hotel scene. From what I gather, a nice hotel will cost $100+ CAD, but you can get by cheaper depending on how far you're willing to commute and how demanding you are for things like clean sheets. B&B's cost a bit less, as I imagine some of the more downtrodden hotels do, but generally they're pretty pleasant and include some form of breakfast. But the big difference for me seems to stem from the fact that the person your dealing with at the B&B is the owner of the place and has a financial stake in you enjoying your stay. I take no chances, reserving my room as early as February or March.

Step 3 - Figure out how you're going to get to Toronto. Your movie passes on which you'll later spend so much money are no good at your local theater, so you'd better figure out how to get to Toronto. I fly into Lester B. Pearson Airport (YYZ) these days, though once upon a time, I would team up with another traveler for the 13-hour drive. By April or May, I've booked my airline ticket. Booking this early gets me the flight times I want, but really I do it this early to spread the cost of the festival throughout the year. It tricks my brain into thinking the festival isn't nearly as expensive as it really is.

Step 4 - Determine your movie absorption threshold. I've settled on 20 as a nice number of movies to see in a week, but everyone has their own limits. For some, a movie a day is really pushing it. I met one guy, a local, who was seeing over 50 movies during the festival, just to see if he could. Tickets are sold in books of 10, or in the form of passes. There are a variety of passes available, the grandaddy of which is simply called The Festival Pass. It admits the owner to as many shows as he or she can fit in the schedule, provided that they are not Gala Screenings at Roy Thompson Hall or special screenings at the Elgin Theater. Other passes are less expensive, such as the Day Pass, the Student Pass, and who knows what else. The advantage of the 10-ticket books is their flexibility -- you can share with friends, loved ones, or some poor sap in the Rush line upon whom you have taken pity.

Step 5 - Buy your tickets or pass. Again, you do this before the movie list comes out. Just have faith that you'll be intrigued by a percentage of the 300+ movies that will be showing. The tickets typically go on sale in early July. Many people have the extreme misconception that the festival is free, or at least cheap. The opposite is quite true. If you attend the festival, you will almost certainly spend more money per movie than you will at any theater, especially if you are an out-of-town festival goer. A good way to prepare yourself for the expense is to go see a movie (at full prices, no matinees allowed), buy popcorn, candy and a drink, and then deposit your food and beverage into the trash before entering the theater. The actual cost to non-Canadians tends to vary greatly with the exchange rate. Me, I'm hoping oil prices dip to all-time lows in June, when I buy my tickets. Books of 10 shows ran about $175 CAD in 2008. Expect to fork over another $150 CAD for the out-of-town selection service. If you have a bigger group going, at least you can share this cost. Each year, I keep hoping that they provide a much cheaper on-line order service, but no luck yet.

Step 6 - Select your movies. That should be easy, right? Generally, though, you're doing this step under time pressure. There are over 300 movies to consider, everything from documentaries to campy horror flicks, and they are from countries all over the world. Really, there's something for just about everyone. Admittedly, things are easier now than they used to be. Before, when you got the book in the mail, that was the first time you saw the list, and you had to FedEx your picks back that same day. This year, the schedule appears on-line a whopping six days before you have to send in your picks. Luxury!

Step 7 - Pick up your tickets. I know, you thought the work and stress were over, right? Wrong. Merely selecting your movies does not guarantee you a seat. If every single festival goer wants to see the latest French depressathon flick, it turns out they don't have a theater big enough to seat everyone. Check to see which shows you got. Didn't get a ticket to that sci-fi rehash of MacBeth? Don't fret, you can always hit the Rush Line and, with any luck, you'll still get to see the dagger-laser scene. Over time, I've learned that not getting all of my first picks forces me to expand my horizons.

Step 8 - Attend your screenings. If you're picky about where you sit in the theater, arrive early and queue (see Appendix A) for an hour or more. But otherwise, arrive ten minutes before the screening and sit where there's an available chair. The lines will seem horrendously long, but fear not - if you have a ticket, you will get a seat, unless you're late. You'll probably still get in, but it's best not to take your chances.

Step 9 - Exchange movie reviews while queuing. One of the best things about the festival is the camaraderie between film goers. Most are plenty willing to share their tales of awful and great movies alike. It's best, though, to size up the person you're talking to and see if they're the kind of person who would like or dislike the type of movie a person like yourself would.

Step 10 - Spend the next month reviewing movies - Your curious friends will want to know which movies to see and which to avoid. Problem is, the movies you've seen may be released in two weeks, 18 months, or never at all, at least in the U.S. Eventually, you should tire of repeating yourself and start up a blog, review the movies there, and then refer them to your url.

Appendix A - English - Canadian Dictionary

• Bathroom or Restroom = Washroom
• Waiting in line = Queuing
• Subway / rail car / bus = TTC
• One-dollar coin = Loony
  
• Two-dollar coin = Two-ny

Appendix B - The Rush Line

If you don't get a ticket to your favorite actor/director's movie, but you really, really, really, really want to go, you're not out of luck. Chances are you can still get in via the wonderful invention known as the Rush Line.Here's the scoop: The festival reserves a certain number of seats each screening for cast, crew, and for special screenings, sponsors. When they don't show, you benefit. Your chances of getting in increase with the amount of time you're willing to wait. For tickets to Ang Lee's Crouching Tiger/Hidden Dragon, my companion and I arrived at 6:30 AM. This pretty much cinched tickets.

Pre-season

I know I've been away for a long, long, long, long time, but I haven't forgotten about my responsibilities.  So, I'm here to tell you that plans for the 2009 Toronto International Film Festival are in full swing.

This year, I'll be staying with the lovely people at the Annex Quest House, after last year's host left me feeling just a little uncomfortable.  It looks nice, and it's close to a subway entrance, for those soggy days I seem to be experiencing the last couple trips.

I've booked my flight with Northwest Airlines (we're Delta!).  I guarantee that my itinerary will change at least twice before my departure date, so I'm just not even going to get upset about it.

The good news is, I'll be spending one extra day at the festival this year.  Now, I know that one extra day doesn't sound like a lot, but I generally seem to miss one good flick every year because of my Saturday arrival date.  Also, this brings my average number of shows per day down from three to 2.5.  This will allow me more time to write "experience" entries, instead of just reviews.  I plan on posting under categories such as "Brushes with Fame", "Brushes with Stupidity", "Brushes with Polite Canadians" and of course the usual unfortunately exciting travel posts.  There's nothing that beats leaving a week's worth of clothing in the front yard of a B&B in the middle of the city.

So, look for movie selection posts beginning in late August or early September.  The real fun begins, however, on Friday, September 11, less than 19 weeks away!

Review: Inju, the Beast in The Shadow

In Inju, the Beast in The Shadow, my second French movie of the festival, director Barbet Schroeder brings to life a novel by Rampo Edogawa. Edogawa, whose real name was Hirai Taro, took his pen name from the Japanese pronunciation of the name Edgar Allan Poe. Schroeder claims that Edogawa was famous in Japan, but not elsewhere, because he was too dark for the rest of the world.


In this adaption of the novel, Schroeder made a couple key changes. First, the lead male character is French, whereas all the original characters were all Japanese. Second, the lead female character is not a wife, but a geiko, or geisha.


The movie opens with a movie within the movie, adapted from a work by famous Japanese author Shundei Oe. The movie ends, and we see that it was being shown to his class by college professor and author Alex Fayard, played by veteran French actor Benoît Magimel, who has a child with Juliette Binoche, for those of you keeping track at home. Alex, whose dissertation for his PhD in Literature was on the author Shundei Oe, has now penned a novel in Oe's style and is receiving rave reviews.


Oe is an author of dark subject matter, where evil prevails over good. A recluse in Kyoto, Oe is rumored to have never been positively identified, even by his own publishing company. When Alex accepts an invitation to appear on a Japanese TV show featuring discussions with authors, Alex not only accepts, but puts out feelers requesting a meeting with Oe. Not only is he rebuffed, which he expected, he is warned against coming to Kyoto. Alex, who believes this is all for effect, ignores the warning.


Once in Japan, Alex befriends a geiko he meets after an evening of entertainment hosted by his Japanese publicist. Soon, she comes to him, distraught. It seems that she broke the heart of a man 15 years ago, who she believes is Shundei Oe, and he is now threatening her life. She believes Alex is the only one who knows Oe's well enough to help her. Alex agrees to help and begins on a quest to find the real identity of Shundei Oe and protect Tamao. He succeeds in a shocking ending.

Schroeder manages to keep the level of suspense and intrigue high throughout the film, with many twists and turns. This was a great end to the festival for me and Schroeder has revived my faith in French cinema (with an assist from Phillipe Claudel). My imdb rating: 8/10.

Review: The Good, the Bad, and the Weird

This film's title, The Good, the Bad, and the Weird, announces itself as a western, and also perhaps a bit of play on the genre. South Korean director/writer Ji-woon Kim brings forth a tale from the wild East, set in 1930's Manchuria. It stars, gauging from the reactions of many of the hyped-up Korean fans in the audience, three of the biggest stars in Korean cinema today: Woo-sung Jung (the Good one), Byung-hun Lee (the Bad one), and Kang-ho Song (the Weird one).

The three Korean bandits chase around Manchuria after a map, working their way in and out of scrapes with the Japanese army and both Korean & Russian bandits. The Bad one is being paid to retrieve it, though eventually his motivations change. The Good one isn't necessarily all good. He is a bounty hunter by trade, but in comparison to the Bad one, he's squeaky clean. The Bad one is a gang leader who enjoys killing people, and he's good at it. Suggest that he might not be the best, and those will probably be a few of the last words you utter. The Weird one, a talented and quirky train robber, provides much of the comedy relief, preferring a motorcycle for the horse chase scenes.

As the movies winds down its complex path, we find that there is history interwoven among the three of them. There are a few twists, turns and surprises, but the real ride is all about the action and comedy. And what was the map for? It's revealed in the final scene, with perhaps a wink to modern-day problems.

This movie has about everything you'd want in a big American box office smash, with the exception of the English language. There are guns, fisticuffs, espionage, chase scenes, a PG-13 rating, comedy, twists & turns, star performances from all three leading actors, and huge budget. I think they got their money's worth. My imdb rating: 8/10.

Review: Achilles and Tortoise

I saw and enjoyed a movie called Brother back at the 2000 festival and thought I'd see the latest film from writer/director/actor Takeshi Kitano, aka "Beat Takeshi". Kitano first gained fame as a stand-up comic back in late 70's Japan. By 1980, Kitano was appearing in films, writing scripts beginning in 1985 and directed his first film in 1989.


It follows easily that his films have an element of comedy. Kitano's sense of humor is approximately the opposite of slapstick. He plays it straight, showing little emotion. Often the humor is in his lack of reaction, and in his lack of self-awareness, particularly in relation to his own absurdity.

For Achilles and Tortoise, Kitano takes on the art world. The movie begins with someone telling a student of the paradox of Achilles and the Tortoise, which I think is philosophical bunk. But that's just my opinion. I'm not sure what this has to do with the movie, other than the title. My brain is a little tired, so perhaps it'll come to me later.

We pick up the life of Machisu as a boy. His father is a wealthy businessman who appreciates art, but fails to understand it. He encourages Machisu to become a painter, convinced he has talent. Machisu, who lacks both talent and inspiration, does have interminable will, and he paints until the cows come home, which apparently they never do. He's particularly fond of chickens.

Machisu's father goes bankrupt and commits suicide. Penniless, his step mother sends Machisu to live with his uncle, who is far less supportive of his art ambitions.

It is in his older adult years that Kitano takes over the role of Machisu. He marries the one woman who supports his endeavors, and they have a daughter. By her teen years, she is thoroughly embarrassed and leaves home to become a prostitute.

Machisu tries to sell his works through a local art dealer, who is never satisfied enough to actually try to sell anything. And Machisu tries just about everything, most often mimicking the likes of Moet, Seurat, Renior, Munch, and Warhol.

The bulk of the movie is spent by Kitano brainstorming ways to poke fun at modern artists art dealers, and their patrons and the world in which they thrive. A lot of the gags are funny, but they grow stale after a while, as there doesn't seem to be any point to the story. Maybe that was Kitano's intention, maybe it wasn't. It was good for a few laughs, but the movie just didn't really work for me. My imdb rating: 6/10.

Review: Sexykiller

I've seen a Midnight Madness movie before, but never at its proper 11:59 PM start time. A former fellow festival goer and I once had tickets, but gave them up, as the previous five movies that day had taken their toll. This time, I gutted it out and made it to the screening for Sexykiller.

Any review of this movie is bound to be affected by the crowd, so I should start there. I arrived at the theatre at about 11:35 and walked straight in. The crowd was loud, many were likely drunk, and there were at least four beach balls being bounced around the crowd, at least until one popped, drawing a loud score of boos from the raucous crowd. At one point, one guy spiked a ball accidentally into the back of another guy's head, albeit accidentally. The victim responded by turning, giving his assailant a shrugging look, and then drawing even harder than before on his bottle of Bacardi.

The director, Miguel Martí, introduced the film, partly in English and partly in Spanish. The Spanish part was then translated, more or less, by the Sexykiller herself, Macarena Gómez. Gómez is tall, slender, and appeared more or less in character. The crowd ate it up.

The film opens in a girls' locker room. I had to imagine that it was after a model runway gig, but no, it was actually just supposed to be college girls. A peeping tom dressed in Scream killer attire. He thinks he's come across a mirror; but no, it's actually another person dressed identically, who promptly cuts a gash in his arm. He runs, eventually gets winded, pleads for death, but then comes across our heroine who, after playing with his mind a little, finishes him off.

The film has pretty much about everything you could long for in a Midnight Madness film: Comedy, gore, the aforementioned girls' locker room scene, serial killing, camera interaction, revenge killing, just-for-the-heck-of-it killing, crude jokes, bad police work, classic horror movie references and zombies. I'm sure I could have lengthened that list, but you get the idea.

My only regret is that I don't know Spanish, as I'm sure some of the comedy was lost in translation. But it's still hilarious. The camera loves Gómez, and Gómez loves the camera. And the crow loved Sexykiller. My imdb rating: 8/10.

Review: Coopers' Camera

I fully expected Coopers' Camera to be bad, but I had to see it because I am a true fan of The Daily Show, and it stars two of its correspondents, Samantha Bee and Jason Jones, who co-wrote the script.

The premise behind Coopers' Camera is that Gord Cooper (Jones) bought the family a video tape recorder for Christmas 1985. Various family members recorded events of that evening, mostly youngest son Teddy, in a hilarious performance from 13-year old Dylan Everett. The video was later edited and the result is the film that you see.

The family puts new labels on the word dysfunctional. Rampant alcoholism, drunk driving, revelations that boys may have different fathers, neither of them being Gord, mannequin-romance, older brother Marcus used to be Tiffany, and Teddy even pays his cousin Heather to strip, $2 at a time. Basically, if you find it offensive, it's in there. A couple parts dragged here and there, but for the most part, they flung jokes at the screen pretty quickly.

The audience was pretty jazzed for this one, but the cast was pretty much all-Toronto (or at least all-Canadian). I wouldn't go out of your way for this one, but should it make to a theatre near you and you find yourself in need of some yuks, you could do worse. My imdb rating: 7/10.