So as it turns out, we weren't leaving at noon, but rather they just didn't know when we were leaving. I guess they figured if they sent a confusing enough message, we'd probably get in touch, which was the desired outcome.
Anyway, they rebooked us through Minneapolis, and not too much later (7:00) than we were originally scheduled. So that's nice.
Of course, no sooner than we finished our rather flagrantly priced airport breakfast sandwiches, we received another message from Delta. Our new flight has been delayed, departing at 8:00, arriving at 8:39. I guess we're going SST. Unless they really just mean, "Hey, could you give us a call?"